Now it's day but i am dreaming...

I hate my emptiness,

love refuses to become a sharp knife this time

misunderstanding

selfish

weakness

we live in our own paper box,

having touched the outer world with our sensitive antennas in our heart

we are so used to, 'it'

everything becomes so familiar

this process seems to be slow

but indeed it is extermely fast that nobody can recognize.

body touch,

desire

sacrifice

suicide

Have you lost in the mysterious fog this morning?

Have you cut your ears with scissors in your nightmare?

Blood spurted, face twisted, 

and all of a sudden

time stops

Something has always been following you, chasing behind you.

Escape!Escape!Escape?

You try to close the door hiding behind you

and open another door in the same room

you look so anxious trying to find a shortcut 

and there must be a way

a way for solution?

You are in the middle of no where 

For it will always be an empty room

but not so empty

For you are a part of the room

one after another

one after another

Rooms choose to stick together

time is passing by

you are always running in a million of the same rooms in the middle of no where

for you will be together

and will never be apart

the air in your box successfully abandon you

only you

are with the dead vacuum

and then

stick together

as a whole

Things are changing so fast.

The beautiful nightmare came.

Pretend that I was pregnent.

Two little foolish scaredy-cats would just run away.

The ability of creating a new life looks so horrible.

Being old is scaring

What about suicide?

The lovely tragedy will not be far away then

I am sitting in front of a computer in the library now.

I am listening to the music from the movies of yan jing jun er.

and i shouldn't forget to mention the composer.He's takeshi kobayoshi.

I watched the film that I watched when I was young

My brain is still mine.

But in a different place,with different people.

Just let me think.

I was by myself when I watched the movie at that time.

Has anything changed?

nothing or everything has changed?

Is it a good or bad thing that some part of my mind refused to grow old with my funny age?

maybe some years later,when I look back to now,I will feel I was so young at this time.

I listened to the songs that I am familiar with.But I feel trembling,cold,fearfulness and vomiting.

Memories were so awful,especially they all explode at the same time.

I don't want to  admit that the drug has made such a big effect on me.

because I don't want to be influenced by anything.

being pure is stupid,but how to deal with such innocent foolish things?

I cannot appreciate myself anymore.

every step is so hard indeed.

although it doesn't look like this.

stop stop stop.

I should learn how to be calm inside.

not only emotionless on surface!

Last night was the first time I took drugs!Don't look down to the tiny powder!

the amount is less than a fingerprint!but so magical and powerful!

We were in Lee's house

I was nervous before formally took it.Yeah,I was with my closest friend,and one of them is my lover.

Lee snooked with his nose and it was maybe a little bit too directly.

and Jack was the second one and then was Ben，I was the last one though

As a result,Lee was the first person to feel the function of M

Jack seemd to be the second but I did think he was affected by his psychology

maybe it was me to be the second?

but i was so different from them!

I felt cold inside my body and my hands turned to be without warmth

and my stomach felt like vomiting,and I was totally against the happiness.

the happiness brought by M was fake!So I told them not to be cheated by the surface!

I didn't feel happy at all until they realised my words were true!

I lead a way to them on finding the true emotion,but at that time I realised my sadness was the way I felt happiness!

They are twins,and they won't leave each other!

The combination mentioned what my real happiness was.

And I was so satisfied that I found my real happiness or maybe not real ,the most empty emotion,

but who cared?

I was totally released，I was not afriad of my mind,my words,I was so directly.To open myself

to show my darkness although maybe it's not dark enough.

I opened my door of my heart to welcome them,my friend my friend and my special friend.

Ben and Jack are my closest friends in Lampeter!And i have never thought things would happen like this.

they are so beautiful so that I am now thinking they are fake as well.

Yes,just like what i said,everything was fake,included me!

so we were and we are and we will be in a world without truth.

why don't we appreciate this and enjoy it?

Life is as short as long.

It was a pity that i didn't listen to any bands that i was found of!

Although i danced drastically without any limits and I didn't care about anyone's feeling

I was myself totally myself until now!

so any annoyed person just disappear from my world!

I was in a place of nowhere.

I was in the side or the centre of my bright dark fake empty world.

I enjoyed my invisible box.

I looked into other people' heart but maybe not,I only looked into Ben's heart

Jack was a mist,and he is,he will be,I was sucked in his fog and I am I will be.

only a little bit of lightness lead my way in his world.

my struggle is showned as no struggle because i am empty and emotionless!

Empty and emotionless are completely part of me,I like them as I hate them.

I can still remember everything happened last night.

not only the freedom to sing to ,dance,to hit,to lose balance.

But also I remembered I said who I loved best I hate best.

have you thought about my every sentence every word every actions carefully?

no you shouldn't

because we are all selfish

we love ourselves more!

so how could we thought about others while we were enjoying ourselves!

 I was so light like I can escape from the gravity of the world

I was full of confidence,thinking it was the most beautiful time of me

I danced like a bird,I danced and twisted my waist,my arms,my hip

I danced with my beautiful love.

we explored with our original look

I hate him so much that I slapped him on the face without sympathy

but he loves my slap as I love his kiss

and that was second time I wish to die

my eyes was trembling

like i cannnot get into sleep because i felt unsafty even though we hugged tightly

I breathed toughly,it's like until now my heart is still trembling.

she's lost controls

i want to take a walk

with fake me and real me and no me!

大爷,一路走好

10/21